Top Ten: Redundant Football Catchphrases

We’re all guilty of it: there’s just something about talking football that makes it so easy to lapse into autopilot. Fans mock players, managers and pundits for doing it, but they are equally blameworthy. If someone analyses a match in the usual clichéd terms, then you can bet your bottom dollar that selected snippets of it will surface in conversations in pubs around the country. Some nuggets of received wisdom get trotted out so often that they have become redundant, while others never even made sense in the first place. Join Did You Smash It? as we cringe in terrible recognition of our Top Ten Redundant Football Catchphrases…
 
1. “They lack quality” – Everybody should know that this is just a polite way of saying “they’re rubbish”, but that subtle subtext seems to fade ever so slightly more each time someone utters it. So widespread now is the use of “they lack quality” that it’s almost as if it’s gathered credibility by association, rather than by offering any insight whatsoever. It’s almost as if the sheer inanity of the statement has tricked people into believing that there is some greater meaning to it all, that ‘quality’ is an attribute above and beyond a simple judgement of how good or bad a player or team is. It’s understandable that people would try to read more deeply into an assessment such as “they lack quality” because it comes across immediately as a completely pointless thing to say. As such, ‘quality’ now seems to have been granted official status as a tangible, er, quality, to the extent that you could now imagine it receiving a rating out of 20 in Football Manager or on Top Trumps. Say “they’re rubbish” and no-one will take you seriously. However, say “they lack quality” and all around you will nod sagely in agreement, mutter “aye” and think only of whose round it is next.
 
2. “We scored too early” – How on earth can a team score too early? What’s the shooting player supposed to do? Welly the ball into the stands and gesture for his teammates to not make any more serious attacks until around midway through the second half? Surely, once the other team equalises, it’s back to square one anyway? It’s a football match, not an avalanche. If the better team comes back to dominate the game from there on in, it’s because they’re the better team, not because their opponents scored too early.
 
3. “He’s got a great touch for a big man” – What is it about big men that precludes them from having a good touch? Do they play in big clown shoes? What’s the cut-off height, anyway? 6ft 1”, 6ft 2”, 6ft 3”? Or should girth be factored in as well? Why do you never hear “he’s got a rubbish touch for a little man”? Questions, questions…
 
4. “The first/next goal is crucial” – While this statement is usually correct, it is always blindingly obvious. Goals, of course, being inherently crucial, seeing as how they decide who wins the match and all that. The first goal is crucial? No doubt. The next goal is crucial? Yeah, can’t argue with that. However, I see your “first/next goal” and raise you a “pretty much every bloody goal”. Again, people seem keen to load this statement with non-existent significance – “well, you know, the first goal is the most important ‘cause it’s hard to come from behind” – but it is basically a bit like saying “putting your pants on before your trousers is crucial”. Some things are just implied.
 
5. “He’s good at last-ditch tackles but they’re usually to cover his own mistakes” – This is the standard justification proffered for disliking an unglamorous full-back. It doesn’t matter if it’s true or not; it makes you sound informed and tremendously perceptive. See also: “he’s inconsistent” (for irrationally disliked midfielders) and “his all-round game isn’t up to scratch” (for irrationally disliked strikers).
 
6. “At this level, you’ve got to take your chances or you get punished” – You’re bound to hear this one at least once a week. Presumably, it falls under the heading “What to say to the cameras if you’ve just lost a match” in the media-handling section of whatever that magazine is that only footballers get (if that still exists, or even ever has). By “punished”, the speaker is referring to the other team capitalising on your misses by scoring themselves, but Did You Smash It? would like to propose that each sitter missed be punishable by fifteen minutes in a tank full of scorpions.
 
7. “They’re not on the same wavelength” – This is said every time an exotically-named foreign playmaker backheels the ball in the general direction of a workmanlike full-back, only for it to go out of play or straight to the opposition. The implication being that the workmanlike full-back lacks the vision and technique to take in their stride a pass that doesn’t even really go near them.
 
8. “He’s a poor man’s version of Player X” – The Poor Man’s Version comparison is a helpful technique for comparing players, but it is all too often misapplied. It is fine to sum up one player’s inferiority to a similar player using this method, but it must be done so according to the official, ever-fluctuating Poor Man’s exchange rates. For example, the standard British monetary unit for goalkeepers is Steve Harper, but this is currently lagging behind the dollar, represented by Tim Howard (at the moment, there is roughly 1.8 Harpers to the Howard). Using calculations appropriate to this system, you should be able to work out that there are currently 2.3 Kenwyne Joneses to the Drogba, 4.7 Antons to the Rio and a whopping 11.25 Hayden Mullinses to the Essien.
 
9. “Our manager is tactically inept” – This should be followed by: “...but only when we lose.” During spells of poor form, it is customary to argue that any prior success enjoyed by the manager in question was in spite of his tactics, not because of them. When the team eventually recovers their form, some dissenting voices still see fit to stick to their guns, leaving behind a residue of ridiculously abusive message board threads.
 
10. “He doesn’t perform in the big matches” – To really deliver this line with conviction, you must ignore the fact that the aforementioned “big matches” are invariably against top quality opposition, thereby making it harder for a player to perform than if he was lining up against decidedly weaker opposition. If you are not a bit simple, then a spot of method acting may be required. Just don’t forget to look and sound like you know exactly what you’re talking about at all times (for case studies, please refer to your nearest sports channel).