By Jonny Abrams
In 2008, the Orange Future of Football Report predicted that the following changes will have been implemented by the year 2020:
1. Robotic officials and sensors on players to eradicate wrong decisions.
2. Advances in sports science and genetics which push players to new levels of performance and recovery.
3. Kits that use nanotechnology to release nutrients, kill germs and heal minor injuries.
4. Shirts bearing sponsor logos that change throughout the game.
5. Vast amounts of real-time data to help managers make informed tactical decisions.
6. Artificial pitches and cloud seeding in stadiums to create microclimates, meaning that matches need never be postponed.
7. 3D television viewing.
8. Video games that enable you to play versions of real matches.
Now, seeing as referees are in the spotlight more than ever at the moment (again), while 3D programming goes from strength to strength, Did You Smash It? thought it would be a good idea to catch up with the future and see how it’s all going. We are delighted to announce that 18 year-old Stockport County Sponsored By Powergen midfielder Romeo Beckham has agreed to join us live from the year 2020...
Hi Romeo. How are you?
RB: Very well, thank you. I’ve been in bed for a few days recovering from my collision with a short-circuiting linesman last weekend, but my duvet has been replenishing my minerals and I should be fit for Thursday’s game against Ireland Samsung.
Talk us through the incident.
RB: It was a bit of a freak accident, to be honest. 99 times out of 100, the stewardbot’s lazer would have intercepted the Perrier bottle [which was thrown towards the pitch by someone in the cheap seats], but someone performed an illegal operation on it and it had to close. The Perrier bottle smashed all over the referee’s assistant, causing it to short-circuit just as I was hurtling in its direction following an off-the-ball altercation. That kind of electric shock would have killed me ten years ago but, fortunately, our physio was on hand with Magic Sponge Simulator 20.0 and the damage was limited to a broken tooth, which stewardbot soldered back on for me after the game. Of course, officials weren’t robots ten years ago. It’s weird to think about that now.
Is the linesman ok?
RB: Obviously it didn’t look good at first but, after leaving it to drip out for a few hours and then rebooting it, it was back functioning at pretty much full capacity. We’re still disappointed that it chose to award the match to Germany, seeing as both ourselves and Wolverhampton Whirlwinds needed the points so much, but football needs a bit of controversy from time to time.
Overall, have android officials been a success so far?
RB: I’d say so, yeah. They get 99.9% of decisions correct and there are only a few downsides. The fans aren’t allowed to take pictures anymore as the flash induces murderous rampages – many have died needlessly – but they can’t really complain given the array of options now available to them at the touch of a button. Check this out…*selects button on control panel*…
Overall, have android officials been a success so far?
RB: I’d say so, yeah.
What just happened??
RB: Instant replay. Pretty cool, huh? It would never have worked back in the noughties as the human referees would have got lynched, but no-one ever really has a go at the officials any more. Not since Mark Clattenbot crushed that Liverpool Redsocks fan into a perfect cube, anyway.
Have the control panels on each seat proven popular?
RB: It depends on the age group you’re talking about. The younger generation are used to controlling every aspect of their lives with buttons, so they took to it like a duck to Volvic. Older fans don’t like it at all though. I think they’re saddened by the gradual disappearance of the game's more traditional elements – playing Song 2 after every goal, chanting “Who are ya?”, that sort of thing – but the game had to move with the times and that’s what it did. The vibrating seats attracted the wrong kind of clientele at first but now it’s as much a part of the match-going experience as customising weather conditions or sitting next to a hologram. I know the vibration function was intended to get fans out of their seats and cheering, but its therapeutic qualities have taken the league by storm.
Do you get a physical sensation when the logo changes on your shirt?
RB: You don’t feel that much any more but, when it was first introduced, it felt like someone was trying to open your chest by tearing a ribcage to one side. The 3D Toblerone ads in particular caused a lot of grief, not to mention mirth. Made us look like Madonna after a nuclear explosion. But, like I said, you don’t really notice it anymore. Well, not on yourself, any way. I was amused to see Nathan Delfouneso’s sponsor change to Specsavers just moments after he’d missed a sitter the other week. Little things like that make the game what it is.
You mean football?
RB: Yes.
Ok. Onto the science bit: just how fit and strong are footballers now compared to, say, ten years ago?
RB: Well, I’ve seen some footage of old matches, and it’s like watching a different game. Aaron Lennon was always fast, for example, but only on land. Now he can swim faster than the average shark and burrow like Bugs Bunny. It’s amazing to watch. And, just the other day, Jack Rodwell accidentally punched a hole in the space/time continuum while he was boxing in the gym, hence why we’ve been able to conduct this interview. I think everyone’s been excited about the next generation of footballers ever since the FA turned the old Lilleshall site into a stud farm.
Injury recovery times appear to have shrunk down to almost non-existent levels…
RB: Yeah. It’s great, because we’ve been playing more games than ever since the FA decided to abolish the summer break. Back in your time, rupturing a cruciate knee ligament could keep you out for a year. Nowadays, not only can nanotechnology fit you up with a brand new knee within minutes, but you can store MP3s and videos on it. I watched Shrek 3 on my Achilles tendon the other week. It’s probably my least favourite of the trilogy but Eddie Murphy still shines.
What do you make of televised matches being shown in 3D?
RB: It’s great for the fans as they get to feel closer to their heroes than ever, and it’s great for the electronics companies because 30% of the nation’s televisions need replacing every week now. It’s a brave TV indeed that shows 3D football to a roomful of drunk and vengeful men.
And finally, what does the future (ie your future) hold for Romeo Beckham?
RB: I just need to keep my head down, keep working hard and keep improving. It’s inevitable that people will compare me to my dad. There’s nothing I can do about that. But we’re two different people; he presents Have I Got News For You? now, and I play for Stockport County Sponsored By Powergen. I’m not the new David Beckham; I’m the new Romeo Beckham.
We’ve heard your new single, ‘Man On, Man Up!’. Might we suggest that you are the new Victoria Beckham?
RB: Thank you. That’s a really nice compliment.
Err…yes. Compliment. That’s it.
(Stockport County sponsored by Powergen v Ireland Samsung will be shown live on Sky Sports HD 3D PPV TV on Thursday, 2020, at 8pm. Romeo Beckham’s new single ‘Man On, Man Up!’ will be beamed directly into your inner consciousness the following Monday morning – please select ‘Continue’ to proceed to an online store. )
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