1. Stonewall penalty – According to the earliest known laws of the game, a team that has just had a 'stonewall' penalty awarded against them has a maximum of 30 seconds in which to construct a stone wall between the penalty spot and the goalposts. If they fail to do so in time then the goalkeeper must attempt to save the penalty himself. This option is rarely taken up as the allotted 30 seconds is not a sufficient amount of time with which to plaster together a structure that’s high enough to provide a genuine obstacle, hence recent calls from Harry Redknapp and Mark Hughes to have the ‘walling time’ extended to a more architecturally viable five minutes.
2. The Form Book – This is a dusty, leather-bound volume detailing the recent form of every team, which sits guarded and sacrosanct in a glass case in Soho Square. On a derby day – that is, when two sides in close geographical proximity play each other – the case is unlocked and the Form Book removed for the ceremonial throwing of it out of the window (not to be confused with the Transfer Window, which is on the other side of the room and is used twice a year for letting in hot air). The History Books are a series of volumes which basically represent a deluxe version of the Form Book, and these are torn up and rewritten whenever a team or individual achieves something significant.
3. Chasing – When a club are reported as being interested in signing a particular player, they are said to be “chasing” him. As of now, this is only a metaphorical chase, although Michel Platini is currently examining plans to introduce a drafting system based loosely upon those old Road Runner & Wile E. Coyote cartoons. The term ‘chasing’ is interchangeable with the following: ‘hot on the heels of’, ‘tracking’, ‘monitoring the situation of’, ‘keeping tabs on’ or , in the case of Everton (nicknamed the Toffees), ‘sweet on’.
4. Managerial hotseat – The manager’s role is an important one at any football club and they are afforded many luxuries accordingly. One such bonus is a heated chair in his office so that he may keep nice and toasty while reading up on ProZone statistics during those bitterly cold winter months. However, the chair’s temperature settings are controlled by the chairman and, if results take a prolonged turn for the worse, it is customary for the chairman to gradually raise the temperature until such a time as the manager can no longer bear the searing pain and takes his leave. The occupant of a managerial hotseat is often referred to as a ‘supremo’.
5. Screamer – There are several different varieties of screamers, usually distinguished by distance. As a general premise, however, a screamer results when a player kicks the ball emphatically into the top of the net from at least 25 yards out. The name is derived from the noise that a fast-travelling football produces when it is tearing through still air; although this sounds like little more than a faint ‘whoosh’ to the average human ear, it has been said to sound like “a shrill scream, not unlike that from the shower scene in Psycho” when aurally observed under a powerful audioscope. For best effect, a screamer should be hit first time by a player who scores only very rarely and should be followed with delirious celebrations and a minor pitch invasion.
Motson...superglue prank
6. Relegation dogfight – It is well established that animals are more sensitive to oncoming natural disasters than humans but what remains a little-known fact is that they are also more sensitive to oncoming calamity of a sporting nature. Towns containing relegation-threatened clubs are known to erupt into a chorus of howling dogs by night and, as this disturbs the sleep of Manchester United or Liverpool-supporting dogs in the locale, this can often descend into all-out canine brawl. A furry melee and no mistake.
7. A bit of stick – “The lads have been giving me a bit of stick” is a phrase oft trotted out during interviews with players but no-one is sure of exactly where it originates from. Academics cite a soliloquy from Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, in which the male protagonist poisons himself before uttering: “Eyes, look your last! Arms, take your last embrace! The lads’ll give me a bit of stick for this.” Others attribute the term to the philosopher Socrates, who used to literally hand a bit of stick to wayward students and instruct them to beat themselves with it, so that they may at once be punished and educated in the folly of Platonic realism.
8. A game of two halves – You may often hear a commentator referring to a particular match as “a game of two halves”. This is because, in the main, football matches are divided into two halves. Firstly, there is a first half, which lasts for 45 minutes plus whatever stoppage time the referee deems appropriate to add on; this makes up approximately half of the match, hence why it is referred to as a ‘half’. After an interval of fifteen minutes, during which time the audience may purchase refreshments or expend relievements, there is a second half, also of 45 minutes plus stoppages. Thusly, a football match may be seen to be comprised of two halves and it is the duty of distinguished football commentators to remind us of this at regular intervals.
9. Transfer kitty – ‘Transfer kitty’ refers to the budget granted to a manager by his chairman for buying new players. The money is traditionally* stored – in cash – in a piggy bank shaped not like a pig but like a cat, in order to warn the manager of the mercenary instincts so characteristic of the modern footballer (the domestic cat being an inherently selfish animal). If a club buys a player that represents their record signing, then the transfer kitty is smashed in celebration. If, however, a billionaire tycoon buys out the club, then the kitty is replaced by a war chest, which is, as its name suggests, a large antique chest decorated with military paraphernalia.
10. Selection headache – When a manager has a surplus of match-fit, first-team players to choose his side from, then this is referred to as “an embarrassment of riches”. However, the by-product of this seemingly enviable situation is that it leaves the manager with a ‘selection headache’. This is thought to result from the constant head-turning and shifting of focus brought upon by having so many players to assess during training and can often lead to disorientation, unnecessary squad rotation and the uncontrollable spouting of clichés.
(* It is a new tradition, but a tradition nonetheless.)
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