“Football's football: If that weren't the case it wouldn't be the game that it is.” So said Garth Crooks, unwittingly factoring in that utterly priceless facet of sport: the pundit/commentator gaffe. Join Did You Smash It? as we trawl through a selection of the most memorable, with a smattering of personal favourites…(not featured: Richard Keys and Andy Gray)...
1. Ron Atkinson – ‘Big Ron’ thought he was off air when he uttered a comment about Marcel Desailly which neither time nor any amount of PR have dimmed the alarming nature of. But there’s a lighter side to the daft old fool’s litany of blunders, quotes such as “There’ll be no siestas in Madrid tonight”, for instance, or “In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg. But leukemia is worse still. Probably”. Other classics include: “It’s like a toaster, the ref’s shirt pocket. Every time there’s a tackle, up pops a yellow card. I’m talking metaphysically now of course”…“I’d love to be a mole on the wall in the Liverpool dressing room at half-time. And not for the reasons that you’re thinking of Clive”……“Argentina are the second-best team in the world, and there’s no higher praise than that” ……“Chile have three options – they could win or they could lose. It’s up to them, the tide is in their court now”. Just imagine what he’ll be like when senility kicks in. If it hasn’t already.
2. Andy Townsend’s Tactics Truck – Former Chelsea and Aston Villa midfielder Townsend will quite possibly never live down the Tactics Truck, which he drove around from stadium to stadium to film ill-advised content for the ITV’s disastrous Premier League coverage. Players would be invited into the truck to watch television replays dissected by Townsend in order to demonstrate why they conceded three goals against Bolton last weekend but this didn’t prove too popular with fans nationwide, whose regular attempts to trash the Tactics Truck led to the need for police escort. We at Did You Smash It? would have loved to have been at the meeting where it was decided that this would definitely be a good idea.
3. Trevor Brooking – Some rich pickings from one of West Ham’s favourite sons: “Unfortunately, we don't get a second chance. We've already played them twice”……“I think it's that lack of width with his height”……“It's end to end stuff, but from side to side”……“Martin Keown is up everybody's backsides”……“Historically, the host nations do well in Euro 2000”……“He looks as though he’s been playing for England all his international career”……“He is like an English equivalent of Teddy Sheringham”……“He should have felt he probably scored then”……“I saw him kick the bucket over there which suggests he's not going to be able to continue”. Cracking stuff, but displaying nowhere near as much mastery of the malaproprism as…
4. Alan Mullery - …the utterly befuddled Alan Mullery. Brace yourself for the following pearlers: “Well, I've seen some tackles, Jonathan, but that was the ultimatum!”......“Jurgen Klinsmann, who refutes to earn £25,000 a week”, “He's not going to adhere himself to the fans”......“It doesn't endow me, to be honest”……“I can't understand the notoriety of people”. And that’s clearly not all he doesn’t understand.
5. Murray Walker – The legendary Formula 1 commentator is a gaffe gourmet, famed as he is for such bewildering statements as: “There is nothing wrong with the car except that it is on fire”…… “I imagine the conditions in those cars today are totally unimaginable”…… “I make no apologies for their absence. I’m sorry they’re not here”…… “He can’t decide whether to have his visor half open or half closed”…… “With two laps to go then the action will begin, unless this is the action, which it is”…… “And Michael Schumacher is actually in a very good position. He’s in last place”…… “A sad ending, albeit a happy one, here at Montreal for today’s Grand Prix”…… “As you can see, visually, with your eyes”…… “Look up there! That’s the sky!”…… “This is lap 54. After that, it’s 55, 56, 57, 58”……The gap between the two cars is 0.9 of a second, which is less than one second”…… “The faster he goes, the quicker he’ll get to the pits. The slower he goes, the longer it will take”. You have to wonder what kind of chemical reactions were taking place inside Walker’s head when he said these things.
1. Ron Atkinson – ‘Big Ron’ thought he was off air when he uttered a comment about Marcel Desailly which neither time nor any amount of PR have dimmed the alarming nature of. But there’s a lighter side to the daft old fool’s litany of blunders, quotes such as “There’ll be no siestas in Madrid tonight”, for instance, or “In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg. But leukemia is worse still. Probably”. Other classics include: “It’s like a toaster, the ref’s shirt pocket. Every time there’s a tackle, up pops a yellow card. I’m talking metaphysically now of course”…“I’d love to be a mole on the wall in the Liverpool dressing room at half-time. And not for the reasons that you’re thinking of Clive”……“Argentina are the second-best team in the world, and there’s no higher praise than that” ……“Chile have three options – they could win or they could lose. It’s up to them, the tide is in their court now”. Just imagine what he’ll be like when senility kicks in. If it hasn’t already.
2. Andy Townsend’s Tactics Truck – Former Chelsea and Aston Villa midfielder Townsend will quite possibly never live down the Tactics Truck, which he drove around from stadium to stadium to film ill-advised content for the ITV’s disastrous Premier League coverage. Players would be invited into the truck to watch television replays dissected by Townsend in order to demonstrate why they conceded three goals against Bolton last weekend but this didn’t prove too popular with fans nationwide, whose regular attempts to trash the Tactics Truck led to the need for police escort. We at Did You Smash It? would have loved to have been at the meeting where it was decided that this would definitely be a good idea.
3. Trevor Brooking – Some rich pickings from one of West Ham’s favourite sons: “Unfortunately, we don't get a second chance. We've already played them twice”……“I think it's that lack of width with his height”……“It's end to end stuff, but from side to side”……“Martin Keown is up everybody's backsides”……“Historically, the host nations do well in Euro 2000”……“He looks as though he’s been playing for England all his international career”……“He is like an English equivalent of Teddy Sheringham”……“He should have felt he probably scored then”……“I saw him kick the bucket over there which suggests he's not going to be able to continue”. Cracking stuff, but displaying nowhere near as much mastery of the malaproprism as…
4. Alan Mullery - …the utterly befuddled Alan Mullery. Brace yourself for the following pearlers: “Well, I've seen some tackles, Jonathan, but that was the ultimatum!”......“Jurgen Klinsmann, who refutes to earn £25,000 a week”, “He's not going to adhere himself to the fans”......“It doesn't endow me, to be honest”……“I can't understand the notoriety of people”. And that’s clearly not all he doesn’t understand.
5. Murray Walker – The legendary Formula 1 commentator is a gaffe gourmet, famed as he is for such bewildering statements as: “There is nothing wrong with the car except that it is on fire”…… “I imagine the conditions in those cars today are totally unimaginable”…… “I make no apologies for their absence. I’m sorry they’re not here”…… “He can’t decide whether to have his visor half open or half closed”…… “With two laps to go then the action will begin, unless this is the action, which it is”…… “And Michael Schumacher is actually in a very good position. He’s in last place”…… “A sad ending, albeit a happy one, here at Montreal for today’s Grand Prix”…… “As you can see, visually, with your eyes”…… “Look up there! That’s the sky!”…… “This is lap 54. After that, it’s 55, 56, 57, 58”……The gap between the two cars is 0.9 of a second, which is less than one second”…… “The faster he goes, the quicker he’ll get to the pits. The slower he goes, the longer it will take”. You have to wonder what kind of chemical reactions were taking place inside Walker’s head when he said these things.
Brooking...weeeeeeellllll...
6. The unintended innuendo – Congratulations to all involved for the following list of absolute belters:
Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?"
US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer)is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
And, of course, the greatest of them all: cricket commentator Brian Johnston describing the play – “The bowler’s Holding, the batsman’s Willey.”
7. Kevin Ratcliffe – He may be the most successful captain in Everton’s history, but Ratcliffe’s co-commentating on their European games on Channel 5 is in danger of upstaging his honour-laden playing career. Specific players have been namechecked as “Victor Anchovy”, “Lee Cowsley”, “Joseph Yoyo” and, incredibly, “Roleon Rescott”, before which he had presumably transformed into Scooby Doo. Constantly mispronouncing ‘Jagielka’ – despite the fact that he managed his brother at Shrewsbury – hardly helps matters.
8. Alan Brazil – For some bizarre reason, Brazil was interviewing Gary Bushell about comedy, and decided to ask after Bob Monkhouse. “How is Bob’s health these days?” he inquired. “Er,” replied Bushell, “he died, Alan”. But the lesson was not learnt; in a pre-Cricket World Cup interview with TalkSport's cricket commentator, he asked, "Will Hansie be doing any commentaries for us during the World Cup?"
Only to be met with the salient reply of, "Well not unless he's going to be doing them from the grave, Alan."
Then we have one-off classics such as: "Our talking point this morning is George Best, his liver transplant and the booze culture in football. Don’t forget, the best caller wins a crate of John Smith’s"……"
The tackles are coming in thick and thin"……"The tackles are coming in thick and thin"……"...the Derby fans walking home absolutely silent in their cars"……"One moment I'm playing football and the next - whack - I wake up in hospital unconscious"……
(On Sir Alex Ferguson) "The man is United through and through - cut him and he bleeds red"……
(The day after Wayne Rooney's debut hat-trick for Manchester United against Turkish side Fenerbahce) Talksport newsreader: "Two bombs have exploded outside branches of the British Bank HSBC in Turkey..." Brazil (excitedly interrupting him): "By the way, three more bombs were unleashed on Turkey last night..."
Newsreader (slightly embarrassed): "Yes, but it's not quite the same though”……
Brazil: "I was sad to hear yesterday about the death of Inspector Morse, TV's John Shaw."
Mike Parry: "John Thaw, Alan."
Brazil: "Do you know, I've been doing that all morning. John, if you're listening, sorry mate"
9. Alan Pardew – The former Reading, West Ham, Charlton and current Southampton manager is not allowed back on Match of the Day 2 after describing a Michael Essien tackle by saying, “He absolutely rapes him.” Suffice to say, there were one or two complaints.
10. David Pleat – And finally, give it up for the master. When he’s not drawing completely unfathomable graphs to illustrate patterns of play for The Guardian, Pleat comes out with such gems as: “If there are any managers out there with a bottomless pit, I’m sure that they would be interested in these two Russians”……“Our central defenders, Doherty and Anthony Gardner, were fantastic and I told them that when they go to bed tonight they should think of each other”……“For such a small man Maradona gets great elevation on his balls”, “A game is not won until it is lost”……“Eighty per cent of teams who score first in matches go on to win them. But they may draw some. Or occasionally lose”……“Had we not got that second goal, I think the score might have been different. I’m not sure”…… “Terry Sheddingham”…… Pleat: “The Swedish only have ten minutes to do something should they want to stay in the competition” Clive Tyldesley: “There’s still 26 minutes left of the match” Pleat: “Oh dear I forgot to put my watch back to Swiss time”…… “Moutinho using his weight there - all 5’ 7” of it”…… “Republic of Czechoslovakia”…… “I'm not too sure how much you get for winning the Champion's League, but it's definitely 10 million euros”……” If United get through, they'll play Chelsea or Liverpool, in an all-Premiership tie, which is also an all-English tie, and also an all-British tie”……“Here we see Tevez's little curly one”…… “There he goes again, doing doggies”…… “I don't know if that was a good bad one or a bad good one”…… “Statistics are damn lies”…… “Preki quite literally only has the one foot”…… “Marseille needed to score first, and that never looked likely once Liverpool had taken the lead”…… "I always thought Justin Hoyte was right footed but it seems like he has improved his left foot too. He's played well at left back for Arsenal today" (commenting on the match where Armand Traore was playing left back and Justin Hoyte was on the bench)…… “Ive just noticed something interesting, the left and right backs have both got long sleeve shirts on”…… “Of course, Steven Gerrard is one of only a few Liverpool players who never get left out by Rafa. And even he doesn't always get picked”…… Clive Tyldesley: "David, whats your prediction for the match? "David Pleat: "Good evening everyone, a lovely night for football"…… “The sight is in end”…… “I feel like a drunken man who doesn't have a drink. I've never known a Groundhog Day like this and I'll have to go and see the film to find out what it's all about”…… “We are now in the middle of the centre of the first half”…… “I was inbred into the game by my father”…… “I've seen some players with very big feet, and some with very small feet”…… “This is a real cat and carrot situation”……"There's Jermaine Defoe, checking the weather on his phone no doubt...he's a lovely boy"
Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?"
US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer)is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
And, of course, the greatest of them all: cricket commentator Brian Johnston describing the play – “The bowler’s Holding, the batsman’s Willey.”
7. Kevin Ratcliffe – He may be the most successful captain in Everton’s history, but Ratcliffe’s co-commentating on their European games on Channel 5 is in danger of upstaging his honour-laden playing career. Specific players have been namechecked as “Victor Anchovy”, “Lee Cowsley”, “Joseph Yoyo” and, incredibly, “Roleon Rescott”, before which he had presumably transformed into Scooby Doo. Constantly mispronouncing ‘Jagielka’ – despite the fact that he managed his brother at Shrewsbury – hardly helps matters.
8. Alan Brazil – For some bizarre reason, Brazil was interviewing Gary Bushell about comedy, and decided to ask after Bob Monkhouse. “How is Bob’s health these days?” he inquired. “Er,” replied Bushell, “he died, Alan”. But the lesson was not learnt; in a pre-Cricket World Cup interview with TalkSport's cricket commentator, he asked, "Will Hansie be doing any commentaries for us during the World Cup?"
Only to be met with the salient reply of, "Well not unless he's going to be doing them from the grave, Alan."
Then we have one-off classics such as: "Our talking point this morning is George Best, his liver transplant and the booze culture in football. Don’t forget, the best caller wins a crate of John Smith’s"……"
The tackles are coming in thick and thin"……"The tackles are coming in thick and thin"……"...the Derby fans walking home absolutely silent in their cars"……"One moment I'm playing football and the next - whack - I wake up in hospital unconscious"……
(On Sir Alex Ferguson) "The man is United through and through - cut him and he bleeds red"……
(The day after Wayne Rooney's debut hat-trick for Manchester United against Turkish side Fenerbahce) Talksport newsreader: "Two bombs have exploded outside branches of the British Bank HSBC in Turkey..." Brazil (excitedly interrupting him): "By the way, three more bombs were unleashed on Turkey last night..."
Newsreader (slightly embarrassed): "Yes, but it's not quite the same though”……
Brazil: "I was sad to hear yesterday about the death of Inspector Morse, TV's John Shaw."
Mike Parry: "John Thaw, Alan."
Brazil: "Do you know, I've been doing that all morning. John, if you're listening, sorry mate"
9. Alan Pardew – The former Reading, West Ham, Charlton and current Southampton manager is not allowed back on Match of the Day 2 after describing a Michael Essien tackle by saying, “He absolutely rapes him.” Suffice to say, there were one or two complaints.
10. David Pleat – And finally, give it up for the master. When he’s not drawing completely unfathomable graphs to illustrate patterns of play for The Guardian, Pleat comes out with such gems as: “If there are any managers out there with a bottomless pit, I’m sure that they would be interested in these two Russians”……“Our central defenders, Doherty and Anthony Gardner, were fantastic and I told them that when they go to bed tonight they should think of each other”……“For such a small man Maradona gets great elevation on his balls”, “A game is not won until it is lost”……“Eighty per cent of teams who score first in matches go on to win them. But they may draw some. Or occasionally lose”……“Had we not got that second goal, I think the score might have been different. I’m not sure”…… “Terry Sheddingham”…… Pleat: “The Swedish only have ten minutes to do something should they want to stay in the competition” Clive Tyldesley: “There’s still 26 minutes left of the match” Pleat: “Oh dear I forgot to put my watch back to Swiss time”…… “Moutinho using his weight there - all 5’ 7” of it”…… “Republic of Czechoslovakia”…… “I'm not too sure how much you get for winning the Champion's League, but it's definitely 10 million euros”……” If United get through, they'll play Chelsea or Liverpool, in an all-Premiership tie, which is also an all-English tie, and also an all-British tie”……“Here we see Tevez's little curly one”…… “There he goes again, doing doggies”…… “I don't know if that was a good bad one or a bad good one”…… “Statistics are damn lies”…… “Preki quite literally only has the one foot”…… “Marseille needed to score first, and that never looked likely once Liverpool had taken the lead”…… "I always thought Justin Hoyte was right footed but it seems like he has improved his left foot too. He's played well at left back for Arsenal today" (commenting on the match where Armand Traore was playing left back and Justin Hoyte was on the bench)…… “Ive just noticed something interesting, the left and right backs have both got long sleeve shirts on”…… “Of course, Steven Gerrard is one of only a few Liverpool players who never get left out by Rafa. And even he doesn't always get picked”…… Clive Tyldesley: "David, whats your prediction for the match? "David Pleat: "Good evening everyone, a lovely night for football"…… “The sight is in end”…… “I feel like a drunken man who doesn't have a drink. I've never known a Groundhog Day like this and I'll have to go and see the film to find out what it's all about”…… “We are now in the middle of the centre of the first half”…… “I was inbred into the game by my father”…… “I've seen some players with very big feet, and some with very small feet”…… “This is a real cat and carrot situation”……"There's Jermaine Defoe, checking the weather on his phone no doubt...he's a lovely boy"
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