By Jonny Abrams
You may well the other year have browsed with wide-eyed incredulity through the Michael Owen PowerPoint presentation which implored all and sundry to take a chance on him and thought: “My, aren’t you a little forward?”
(Awaits the passing of tumbleweed)
Of course, he secured a move to Manchester United from Newcastle United but his penchant for a long absence through injury or two has dimmed not a jot.
What's more, the brochure never did him justice; the sales pitch was too emphatic, the repetition of statistics and superlatives reeks of desperation, and it fails to mention that Owen comes free with a Bosch washing machine worth £199.99.
So we at Did You Smash It? have been ‘locked in talks’ with Wasserman Media Group and we can now exclusively reveal the following, rewritten second draft:
MICHAEL OWEN, SUMMER 2011
THE OPPORTUNITY
Don’t miss the chance to own your very own vintage England international! Four previous owners; some wear and tear left over from the first but used sparingly by the other three. Requires constant upkeep but comes with access to stables of horses which can be mined for ligament, cartilage and - if necessary – whole body parts.
Although well-used, the England international has mental strength, goalscoring prowess and a strong brand name. Some pace missing but this can be remedied by replacing legs with those of a horse (there are currently no laws against fielding centaur footballers). Looks well dapper in a suit; great ornamental value.
CAREER OVERVIEW
Michael Owen has scored loads and loads of goals.
Loads.
THE ATHLETE, THE AMBASSADOR, THE ICON
Michael Owen needs no introduction. He was born in Chester on 14th December 1979. His mother was an athlete and his father was a footballer. (They are also both currently available.)
In September 1997, he scored on his debut for Liverpool and by 1998 he had become a world star after scoring a dazzling goal against Argentina in the World Cup. It was at this World Cup, staged in France, that he first discovered a love of horses (when he found himself eating one).
He has since become one of the Premiership’s and England’s most consistent big match players, respected for not only his talent and phenomenal strike rate but also for his highly-marketable ability to perform bicycle kicks in a tuxedo.
MICHAEL OWEN – BRAND VALUES
Most professional sports people are stupid and boring. But Michael is well wicked and cool, offering huge commercial benefits to whoever he plays for.
He is each of the following things:
First class – Successful – Young – Sincere – Clean and Fresh – Hygienic – A Considerate Lover – The Greatest Dancer – Not To Be Sniffed At – A Decent Cook – Willing To Make the Brew – Wicked – Cool – Handsome – Michael Owen – A Passionate Lover – Half Horse (potentially) – A Gifted Auctioneer – A Frugal Financier – Quite Possibly the Man of Your Dreams – Not Yet Completely Crocked, Whatever You Might Have Heard
ACTING RANGE
Light-hearted
Focused
Swaggering
Surprised
Pensive
MICHAEL OWEN MEDICAL REVIEW: BY DOCTOR CHARLOTTE-ANNE BORTOFF, GRIMSBY POLYTECHNIC
I was asked to see Michael Owen by David James in 2006. I had just rehabilitated Kieron Dyer, Damien Duff and Dean Ashton – each of whom have since gone on to walk unaided.
The following are my thoughts on Michael Owen’s so-called “injury prone” status – which I consider to be nonsense.
His medical issues have more to do with questionable advice, rather than being an individual who is susceptible to injuries. I should know, because I gave him much of this advice myself.
Just because Michael Owen gets loads of injuries, it doesn’t mean he is injury prone. In fact, I would argue that he is prone to bouts of fitness. Last season, he returned to fitness on seven separate occasions, which was more than anyone else in the Premier League.
People say that Michael Owen has been injured beyond repair but this is a ridiculous assertion. As well as keeping horse stables, he also owns a very prosperous glue factory, so we are never short of reparatory adhesive.
Overall, Michael Owen is in perfect physical condition and will remain so as long as he is kept away from: water, direct sunlight, open flames, football pitches, other people, staircases, garlic and open spaces.
MICHAEL OWEN – TABLOID STORIES (AND THE TRUTH!)
“Michael Owen is always injured” – the key word here is ‘always’. It is misleading to imply a state of permanency. For example, Alan Green is not always talking rubbish, Russell Crowe is not always punching someone and Jimmy Carr is not always saying something deeply unfunny on a panel show. By the same token, Michael Owen is not always injured. It would be just as accurate to claim that he is never injured, but the media have unsurprisingly chosen to gloss over this fact.
“He is not amazing, sexy and brilliant” – This is patently nonsense. Michael Owen has proved time and time again that he is amazing, sexy and brilliant and reports suggesting otherwise are laughably wide of the mark. (Unlike Michael’s finishing.)
“He travels to Newcastle from his stables in Cheshire every day by helicopter” – The truth is that he has never done this. Ok, he does have an investment in a helicopter company, and he does use one to fly to his other family home in Flintshire, but he did NOT have sexual relations with that woman.
“He was caught leaving a restaurant toilet without washing his hands” – As stated earlier, Michael Owen is a highly hygienic individual. This is pure speculation with malicious intent.
SUMMARY
In these difficult economic times, Michael Owen could prove to be the greatest bargain of all time. With no money up front and payments of just £90,000 every week for the next three years, he represents GOOD VALUE and, to sweeten the deal even further, you will receive a voucher redeemable as a 50% discount on Bebe.
For want of a better phrase, we are not flogging a dead horse. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity to own your very own Michael Owen and, if you pass up on it, then a swarm of locusts will eat your house.
Pleeeeeeeeeeaaaase just give him a chance. He’ll be your best friend. Honest.
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