1. Didier Drogba and Jens Lehmann – An incident set to Benny Hill music, Drogba goes steaming after Phillipe Senderos – presumably for a quaint exchange of pleasantries – when Lehmann gives him a tap on the shoulder as a gentle reminder that there is a match going on. This, of course, sends the big Ivorian striker flying, so he bounces back up, jogs towards Lehmann and puffs his chest out at him. This, of course, sends the big German goalkeeper flying, in a manner not unlike a defeated Street Fighter character having its last bit of life bitch-slapped away.
2. Rivaldo – The 2002 World Cup is memorable for two things. One is South Korea being urged into the semi-finals by a crowd that sounded suspiciously like a junior swimming gala. The other is Rivaldo’s playacting against Turkey. Waiting to take a corner, Hakan Unsal chips a ball at his thigh, causing the Brazilian to – of course – go down clutching his face. Unsal was immediately sent-off and FIFA later fined Rivaldo the not-exactly-ruinous sum of £5,180.
3. Slaven Bilic – France vs Croatia, World Cup semi-final, 1998. Manchester-United-defender-to-be Laurent Blanc gives Croatian centre-back Bilic a bit of a slap in the chest, causing Bilic to go down clutching his – yes, you’ve guessed it – face. He stayed down until Blanc was red-carded, causing him to miss the final. Bilic’s actions were condemned by just about everybody but he just shrugged his shoulders and limped his way back to Everton’s treatment room, where he hatched a plan to reinvent himself as a popular young manager.
4. Cristiano Ronaldo – People will remember the incident with Wayne Rooney during the 2006 World Cup but, frankly, winding up the opposition’s best and most volatile player is one of the oldest tricks in the book and almost understandable given what was at stake. It’s the expression of amused incredulity on his face whenever someone dares to try and tackle him that’s the real goat-getter. Oh, and the diving.
5. Nani – The young Portuguese has, it seems, learnt much from his Manchester United team-mate. Playing West Ham at Old Trafford during the 2007-08 title run-in, Nani is clearly spotted head-butting Lucas Neill before himself crashing to the ground (altogether now) clutching his face. Amusingly, and correctly, he is still sent off.
Drogba...delicate flower
7. Dida – During a Celtic vs AC Milan Champions League match at Parkhead in 2007, 27 year-old labourer Robert McHendry takes a leisurely jog across Dida’s penalty area, stopping to kindly swipe a bit of dirt from the 6ft 5in Brazilian’s shoulder. Dida, however…well, you know how it goes by now.
8. Diego Simeone – The bloke whose out-of-proportion tumble contributed to David Beckham’s sending off against Argentina at the 1998 World Cup. Well, Beckham would probably have been sent off anyway for that petulant kick. But that doesn’t excuse Simeone’s sly, Paul-Alcock-vs-Paulo-Di-Canio-esque backwards dive.
9. Roberto Rojas – Chile were getting the run-around from Brazil in a 1989 World Cup goalkeeper, but goalkeeper Rojas had a cunning plan. On 69 minutes, he threw himself into the smoke of a firecracker which had landed nearby, pulled a razor blade out of his glove, and stabbed himself in the head. This sparked, apart from a fair amount of bleeding, a mass brawl and, as planned, an abandoned match. After video evidence, however, Brazil were awarded the match, Chile were banned from two World Cups and Rojas was banned until 2001, by which time he was 43. One wonders if he always kept a razor blade in his glove. And how exactly he managed to stash it in there anyway.
10. Chokri El Ouaer – The Tunisian goalkeeper paid homage to Rojas by cutting himself with a missile thrown during the second leg of the African Champions League final between his Esperance side Ghanaian side Hearts of Oak in 2000. However, this time, the referee caught him in the act. He was later banned for 7 months.
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