When the Red Mist descends, it is often followed by a Red Card, leaving the offending party suitably Red Faced when pictures of the incident are plastered all over the back pages of the following day’s Red Tops. Did You Smash It? looks back with perverse fondness at some of the best such reddenings of mists that spring to mind…
1. Didier Drogba – After a series of denied penalty appeals and an injury time Barcelona equaliser knocked Chelsea out of the 2008-09 Champions League at the semi-final stage, the Ivorian striker was a trifle miffed; in much the same way that Piers Morgan is a trifle unbearable, or that World War 2 was a trifle inconvenient. He was sure to communicate his concerns to the referee by chasing him around the pitch wearing a hockey mask and wielding a chainsaw.
2. Duncan Ferguson – Before happy slapping came to prominence, the former Everton and Scotland centre-forward had spent years viciously assaulting people while someone else - often Sky Sports or some such - filmed the attack for posterity. Given that it landed him a jail sentence, we’re going to have to go with the headbutt that he landed on Raith Rovers’ John McStay while playing for Rangers - but this would be closely followed by strangling Steffen Freund, punching Fredi Bobic, Paul Scharner and Joey Gudjonsson (in separate incidents) and elbowing Hermann Hreidarsson in the face. At least he never tried to be discreet about it.
3. Joey Barton – It’s amazing that this psychotic wretch can see two feet in front of him, given the permanent red mist behind which he operates. We’re going to have to plump for the Mortal Kombat-esque brutality he administered upon poor old Ousmane Dabo, his teammate at Manchester City. At least when he jammed a lit cigar into a youth team player’s eye at a club Christmas party, there’s a chance that he thought he was merely being playful.
4. Zinedine Zidane – It’s the World Cup final, 2006, and Italy centre-half Marco Materazzi takes a spare moment to share a passing thought with France midfield maestro Zidane. “I say,” says Materazzi, “your mother is the cleverest hor…” – at which point, an enraged Zidane butts the Italian to the ground before he could conclude his assertion with “…ticulturalist”. A simple misunderstanding, you see.
5. Joe Kinnear – It’s fair to say that press conferences have been conducted with a smidgen more decorum than Newcastle’s then-temporary manager displayed early in the 2008-09 season, sending the room into a stunned silence by denouncing a succession of journalists as “a cad and a bounder”, “a scheming rotter”, “a villainous ne’er-do-well” and “a bit of an arse”. However, it proved to be an inspired piece of leadership as the Magpies went on to get relegated.
1. Didier Drogba – After a series of denied penalty appeals and an injury time Barcelona equaliser knocked Chelsea out of the 2008-09 Champions League at the semi-final stage, the Ivorian striker was a trifle miffed; in much the same way that Piers Morgan is a trifle unbearable, or that World War 2 was a trifle inconvenient. He was sure to communicate his concerns to the referee by chasing him around the pitch wearing a hockey mask and wielding a chainsaw.
2. Duncan Ferguson – Before happy slapping came to prominence, the former Everton and Scotland centre-forward had spent years viciously assaulting people while someone else - often Sky Sports or some such - filmed the attack for posterity. Given that it landed him a jail sentence, we’re going to have to go with the headbutt that he landed on Raith Rovers’ John McStay while playing for Rangers - but this would be closely followed by strangling Steffen Freund, punching Fredi Bobic, Paul Scharner and Joey Gudjonsson (in separate incidents) and elbowing Hermann Hreidarsson in the face. At least he never tried to be discreet about it.
3. Joey Barton – It’s amazing that this psychotic wretch can see two feet in front of him, given the permanent red mist behind which he operates. We’re going to have to plump for the Mortal Kombat-esque brutality he administered upon poor old Ousmane Dabo, his teammate at Manchester City. At least when he jammed a lit cigar into a youth team player’s eye at a club Christmas party, there’s a chance that he thought he was merely being playful.
4. Zinedine Zidane – It’s the World Cup final, 2006, and Italy centre-half Marco Materazzi takes a spare moment to share a passing thought with France midfield maestro Zidane. “I say,” says Materazzi, “your mother is the cleverest hor…” – at which point, an enraged Zidane butts the Italian to the ground before he could conclude his assertion with “…ticulturalist”. A simple misunderstanding, you see.
5. Joe Kinnear – It’s fair to say that press conferences have been conducted with a smidgen more decorum than Newcastle’s then-temporary manager displayed early in the 2008-09 season, sending the room into a stunned silence by denouncing a succession of journalists as “a cad and a bounder”, “a scheming rotter”, “a villainous ne’er-do-well” and “a bit of an arse”. However, it proved to be an inspired piece of leadership as the Magpies went on to get relegated.
Ferguson...encouragable
6. Eric Cantona – Having been sent off for kicking a Crystal Palace player, the mercurial/sulky/talismanic/brooding Frenchman trudged towards the Selhurst Park dressing rooms when he was struck by a missile from the stands. Not a coin, or a half-eaten pie, but an Argentine Exocet that was left over from the Falklands. Interpreting this as a slur on his character, the notoriously temperamental Cantona confronted the offending Eagles supporter, only to be met with a barrage or racist abuse. “Oi, Cantona!” the fan is reputed to have said. “Yer ma’s croissants are rubbish and you smell of onions!” The then-Manchester United forward shrugged – Gallicly – and promptly kicked his abuser in twain.
7. Neil Lennon – Despite the insensitive distortion of the facts that made it into print at the time, everyone knows that it was Lennon who heinously headbutted Alan Shearer’s foot when Leicester City played Newcastle United in 1998. After a tussle, Lennon ended up on the ground and, although the footage of the incident seems to show Shearer stamping on his head, we all know that this is simply not in his character and, therefore, it must have been Shearer who was attacked. Fortunately, his foot was not severely damaged and he was able to line up for England during that summer’s World Cup finals. Huzzah!
8. Roy Keane – When the Irish psycho went down in a Manchester derby, City’s Alfie Inge Haaland stood over him and appeared to accuse him of simulation. This riled the borderline psychotic Red Devils skipper somewhat and he resolved to exact his revenge. “I’d waited long enough,” he later wrote in his autobiography. “I jolly well hit him hard. The ball was there (I think). Take that, you scoundrel! And don’t ever stand over me sneering about fake injuries. Er…again.” The horror challenge ended Haaland’s career but, you know, that’s Keano for you. He’s mad, him. Loveable rogue, what.
9. Craig Bellamy – In 2007, a Liverpool team bonding session turned sour when the talented but evil Welsh striker accidentally battered team-mate John Arne Riise with a golf club. “It could have happened to anyone,” laughed Bellamy. “You see, as a prank, the lads set upon John, forced him into a pantomime horse outfit and suspended him from a light fitting. I was out of the room at the time as I was burning some kittens but, when I came back into the room later, John was still up there. Naturally I took him for a piñata and that, if I wellied him hard enough with a golf club, then candy would rain down from his belly. I got it wrong on this occasion but I have no regrets.”
10. Lee Bowyer – Last Thursday, the former Leeds and West Ham midfielder was rummaging around his fridge in search of something lovely to spread on his teatime scones. Settling upon a splendid-looking pot of damson jam, Bowyer attempted to remove the lid but, unfortunately, the coldness of the fridge and the stickiness of the content had welded it damn near unremovable. After wrestling with the jam for a good five minutes, Bowyer was so irate that he forgot to Sky Plus Countdown for his wife, who was out sifting through carpet samples with her mother at the time.
There was also this one time when Bowyer (*snip!*)
7. Neil Lennon – Despite the insensitive distortion of the facts that made it into print at the time, everyone knows that it was Lennon who heinously headbutted Alan Shearer’s foot when Leicester City played Newcastle United in 1998. After a tussle, Lennon ended up on the ground and, although the footage of the incident seems to show Shearer stamping on his head, we all know that this is simply not in his character and, therefore, it must have been Shearer who was attacked. Fortunately, his foot was not severely damaged and he was able to line up for England during that summer’s World Cup finals. Huzzah!
8. Roy Keane – When the Irish psycho went down in a Manchester derby, City’s Alfie Inge Haaland stood over him and appeared to accuse him of simulation. This riled the borderline psychotic Red Devils skipper somewhat and he resolved to exact his revenge. “I’d waited long enough,” he later wrote in his autobiography. “I jolly well hit him hard. The ball was there (I think). Take that, you scoundrel! And don’t ever stand over me sneering about fake injuries. Er…again.” The horror challenge ended Haaland’s career but, you know, that’s Keano for you. He’s mad, him. Loveable rogue, what.
9. Craig Bellamy – In 2007, a Liverpool team bonding session turned sour when the talented but evil Welsh striker accidentally battered team-mate John Arne Riise with a golf club. “It could have happened to anyone,” laughed Bellamy. “You see, as a prank, the lads set upon John, forced him into a pantomime horse outfit and suspended him from a light fitting. I was out of the room at the time as I was burning some kittens but, when I came back into the room later, John was still up there. Naturally I took him for a piñata and that, if I wellied him hard enough with a golf club, then candy would rain down from his belly. I got it wrong on this occasion but I have no regrets.”
10. Lee Bowyer – Last Thursday, the former Leeds and West Ham midfielder was rummaging around his fridge in search of something lovely to spread on his teatime scones. Settling upon a splendid-looking pot of damson jam, Bowyer attempted to remove the lid but, unfortunately, the coldness of the fridge and the stickiness of the content had welded it damn near unremovable. After wrestling with the jam for a good five minutes, Bowyer was so irate that he forgot to Sky Plus Countdown for his wife, who was out sifting through carpet samples with her mother at the time.
There was also this one time when Bowyer (*snip!*)
No comments:
Post a Comment